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In memory of Nikita Fedutinov

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In memory of Nikita Fedutinov

I did not believe that Nikita would survive. At first did not believe.
Rather, so. I did not believe that I could raise such a lot of money. And he did not believe that he would survive.

My life experience suggested that God is cruel, in spite of everything I read and heard about Him. I knew from my own experience that God could not answer the mother’s prayer over the body of a dying child. I saw it as closely as you can see the screen of your smartphone.

I knew that I could not understand His logic and His actions.
Is it logical that He, without answering a prayer for life, then, taking my child to Himself, gave and opened to me so much that the year after the funeral was the happiest year of my life?

Yes, just so, the happiest.

And sometimes I miss my tears and my grief.

What kind of logic is there?

Therefore you can sob, ask and not receive. And after shedding one tear, I did not dare to receive what I dared to wait.

I did not believe in a happy outcome, because, I repeat, God is very hard and incomprehensible.

He can stand nearby, be very close, I felt this when I was melting incense in my attic and reading endless prayers in the first months after Sony's death. And suddenly He can leave, be so far away as if He is not there …

And it is useless to ask: why?

***
This is what I knew. I also knew that any match lasted 90 minutes plus added time, and until the final whistle sounded, you need to continue to drive the ball. And then even in defeat there will be a point.
(Forgive me this football comparison, but it seems to me very suitable.)

This knowledge was very useful to me in a psychiatric hospital, where I received, perhaps, the main experience in my life.

You must continue to be yourself and protect yourself until the last day. And do not give up, no matter what happens around, no matter how terrible pictures life draws, when God is a million light-years away from you.

And next to only doctors and psychos. And it is not known yet who is worse …

***
Speaking of psychos.
Volodya Berhin wrote a post on Facebook saying that he gave 23 million to give the boy a chance to live. And that God loves risk. Then, I think (it seems so long ago!) I thought: “I don’t believe it will, I don’t believe it will.” I do not know what God needs. Miracles happen when you don't wait. ” But…

Volodya wrote that post, and the whistle sounded for me. The match lasts 90 minutes and extra time. We drive the ball until we fall. Until the game ends.

Money gathered quickly. So surprisingly quickly, 20 thousand crazies donated different amounts: hundreds, thousands, millions.

On that day, when Volodya announced that the gathering was over, I exhaled and, I remember, quite smugly, going into the kitchen to my family, said, depicting indifference:

“Wow, collected. We collected 23 million in such a short time. Of course, a miracle. ”

Yes, I believed it.

How not to believe?

“God loves risk,” so it seems Volodya wrote?

Yes. So.

I portrayed indifference, but, honestly, I was happy. So much happy, how much dumbfounded two hours ago, when I learned that Nikita was dead.

Nikita is dead.

And then I remembered that I did not understand God. And that He is not logical with our logic. That He is not linear.

That maybe His match was completely different.

20 thousand people, and in fact more, took the risk with Volodya.

And suddenly he thought that twenty thousand people in a short time won this local match in their lifetime. For your soul. The game will continue until the final whistle …

Lord, I often do not understand You, You are not logical to me, sometimes You seem to be very cruel, and you are always more than I can realize.

I have no doubt that Nikita is already with you.
God help his parents, as he helped me and my family. They need it very much.

We all need it very much.

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